


The Phantom Thieves KFC Dating Simulator

by Zeiskyte



Series: Persona Gravy Gang 2020 [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: #PersonaGravyGang2020, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25877548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeiskyte/pseuds/Zeiskyte
Summary: Haru leaned forward, her hands still clasped together on her lap. "So everyone will make a character, Yusuke will draw them, and we'll record voice lines for them?"Makoto sighed at the synopsis. "Well, if that's really what you want, I'm sure we can do that."Futaba chuckled menacingly under her breath, "My OC's gonna have the fattest tits, they'll probably take up half the screen."Goro pretended he didn't hear that. Sighing wistfully, he muttered, "Times like these make me wish one of my two deaths was actually permanent.""Dibs on Colonel Sanders," Akira announced, apropos of nothing.And that was how the former Phantom Thieves began work onI Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin' Good Dating Simulator.In which Haru buys KFC, Futaba codes a dating sim, Akira enlists the Thieves as the voice cast, and Goro wishes he died back in the engine room.Written for #PersonaGravyGang2020 Day 5: Persona cast meeting Colonel Sanders!
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: Persona Gravy Gang 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877830
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70
Collections: Day 5 - Persona Cast Meets Colonel Sanders





	The Phantom Thieves KFC Dating Simulator

**Author's Note:**

> _kicks down door_ GRAVY, I'M HOME
> 
> Thank you to the gravy gang for keeping me motivated enough to finish this. To them and to whoever reads this fic, I'd like to formally apologize for what you're about to see. This takes place in the Haru Buys KFC verse (and I hate that I'm not even fazed by that phrase anymore). I'd also like to apologize in advance for my day seven fic (which is actually foreshadowed in this one!) because it's just as cursed.
> 
> I forwent all of my usual Goro hijinks (i.e. using last names for everybody, honorifics, etc.) because this is a crack fic. Please don't take this too seriously. If you want my actual takes on Goro, read my other fics lol.

It had been a typical Friday morning at Leblanc. Goro, sat at his usual barstool, sipped away at his coffee and idly chipped away at one of Boss' old crossword puzzles. Seeing as summer was in full swing and Akira had scolded him for his "old man fashion sense," he wore a loose-fitting white t-shirt and black slacks. Begrudgingly, he had tied his hair back into a ponytail, and he was certain Akira snapped a picture or three when he wasn't looking.

Feeling eyes on him, Goro picked his head up. "Something interesting catch your eye?" He pulled his lips into a smirk, lilting his voice coyly.

"Nope," Akira fiddled with his hair and Goro noticed the sweat beading under those raven curls. "Nothing interesting at all."

"Of course not," Goro hummed, eyes flicking back to the crossword. He penciled in an answer, frowned, erased it. "Five letter word for a sauce commonly served with roasts, meatloaf, rice, and mashed potatoes?"

Akira put a fist to his mouth with a strangled noise somewhere between a laugh and a cough. His slate gray eyes gleamed with amusement, and a pang of indignity flared within Goro. The brunette's frown deepened and he narrowed his eyes at the barista.

"I - _wow_ ," Akira chuckled, moving to lean on the counter in front of Goro. "The great Detective Prince, stumped by the easiest clue in history?"

Goro refused to believe the growing warmth of his face was from Akira's teasing and not the summer heat. Nevertheless, he averted his eyes and stared at the five empty boxes, as if the answer would jump out at him. "I am simply... _out of practice_ , when it comes to trivial matters such as these."

"Sure," Akira said, pressing his elbows against the counter. He moved his hand over to the crossword, pointing at the clue. "You want a hint?"

No, Goro didn't want a hint - especially not from _Akira_. This was embarrassing enough as is. He shook his head no and glared at the crossword. A sauce served with roasts, meatloaf, rice, and mashed potatoes? Goro was no food expert but... surely this wasn't as difficult as he was making it out to be?

Akira leaned back. With silent steps, he turned back to the jars of coffee beans and began to unscrew the lid. "People put it into boats sometimes. To serve it, I mean."

Goro's head snapped up, glaring daggers at Akira's back. "I said I didn't want-"

His voice died in his throat. At the mention of boats, Goro's memories of his first encounter with Shido assaulted his mind. When he was 15 and awakened to Robin Hood, Goro had concocted his revenge plan against his father. Entering the Diet Building and finding Shido's office, he opened the door and met Shido's extensive gravy boat collection head on. Ever since that day, Goro had repressed the memory, all future trips to Shido's office, and most importantly - _gravy boats_.

"...ro?"

Goro blinked his eyes open. God. Did he just have a war flashback about fucking _gravy boats_?

"You okay?" Akira asked. During Goro's episode, he had walked back to the counter. "You zoned out."

Goro put a hand to his forehead, grabbed the pencil with his other, and aggressively scratched _gravy_ into the boxes. With his force, the tip of the pencil snapped off.

Akira reached out a hand. "I have a pencil sharpener upstairs-"

Without warning, Goro threw the pencil out the window, causing a four-way collision car crash before hitting a person walking by. Akira cringed at the destruction but promptly forgot about it because it happened off screen.

"No need," Goro said, offering no room for discussion. He took a sip of his lukewarm coffee with a slight frown. "Do you happen to have a microwave?"

Akira took the cup from the former detective with a practiced ease. "No, but we have an open fire."

Goro watched as Akira took the cup to the brewing station behind the counter. Everything was on fire for some reason and Akira placed the cup in the center of the flames like a satanic ritual of some sort. After a few moments, Akira retrieved the cup and placed it in front of Goro. Akira's entire arm was on fire but he didn't seem to mind.

The brunette took the cup with a miffed look on his face. "... Are you going to put that out?"

Akira tilted his head. "Put what out?"

All of the fire was gone, as if it had never been there in the first place. Goro shook his head, "Never mind. When do you think the plot will kick in?"

Akira looked at his non-existent watch. "Right about now, actually."

The bell above the door chimed, and Haru entered Leblanc. With the flames of the massive car accident behind her, she appeared as a demon here to claim their mortal souls. (Jokes on her, Goro had escaped death _twice_ , which was two times more than the average.) In the fluff of her hair was a pencil, but she didn't seem to notice it was there.

"Good morning boys!" She chirped, completely indifferent to the flaming wreckage behind her. The door closed after a long moment, and she stepped inside. "I have great news."

Akira put his elbows on the counter and linked his fingers together, balancing his chin with an interested expression on his face. "Is it about that business move you were considering last week?"

Haru politely put her hands in front of her, the perfect picture of _proper eighteen-year-old rich CEO_. She wore a gentle smile. "I'm surprised you remembered that but yes, actually!"

Goro stayed silent, knowing his history with the girl. It was most likely just buying out a competitor to Okumura Foods or something of the like. Attempting to look busy, he took a sip of his coffee.

"I managed to buy Kentucky Fried Chicken," she said offhandedly, and Goro spat out his coffee, "so now KFC is owned and operated by Okumura Foods. This will do wonders for our international business."

Akira spared a glance at Goro, who was currently wiping coffee off his lips with the back of his hand. The barista smiled, "That's great! Do you have any plans on advertising it?"

Haru tilted her head with a pout. "Actually, I was wondering if we could hold a Thieves meeting to share ideas?" She linked her fingers together in front of her. "I'm sure the ten of us can come up with something."

Goro, now recovered from his splatter disaster, scoffed. "Please. This group _loses_ intelligence when they're all together."

Akira picked his head up from his hands. "You're a part of the Thieves, you know." He cracked a grin. "I think you just admitted to becoming stupider."

"Perhaps," Goro said, bringing his cup to his lips. "I certainly lose braincells when I'm with you all."

Akira winked at him. "Love you too, honey."

As Goro rolled his eyes with a groan, Haru offered the boys a smile. "Maybe we can see if everyone could meet up at Leblanc tonight and we can do some planning?"

Akira was already retrieving his phone from his green apron and typing up a text into the group chat. Within minutes, all of the former Thieves confirmed their attendance.

"Well, wasn't that convenient," Goro grumbled before finishing the last dregs of his seventh cup of coffee.

Akira shrugged. "We had to advance the plot somehow."

Goro raised an eyebrow at him. "What?"

Without missing a beat, Akira stared at him blankly. "What?"

"Well," Haru interrupted, offering a small nod of her head. "I'll be leaving now. See you both tonight!"

After exchanging farewells, Haru exited Leblanc and vanished into the flames. Typical Friday morning in Yongen-Jaya.

Goro slid his cup towards Akira to break the silence between them. "I don't suppose you have any leftover curry?"

The raven-haired boy took the cup and placed it into the sink. "It won't matter if we timeskip to tonight."

"Wait, what?"

Goro looked outside and, lo and behold, the sun was now on the verge of setting. He whipped out his phone, balked at the time being 6:55 PM, and turned back to Akira. "Did... did that just happen?"

Akira glanced up from his phone, face blank. "Did what just happen?"

Goro grabbed at his hair with a silent scream. He was going crazy. Had he accidentally used Loki's power on himself? He shook his head. He had Hereward now, using Call of Chaos would be impossible. So just what was going on?

"I can hear you thinking from all the way over here," Akira chuckled, pocketing his phone. "Everyone should be here in a few minutes."

Goro forced himself to take a breath, recomposing himself. He had literally traversed an alternate dimension, used supernatural powers, and ~~was friends~~ knew teenagers that had killed a god. Surely whatever mind fuckery that had just occurred was believable after that?

"Yo, earth to Goro?"

Head snapping up, Goro turned in his seat. Apparently all of the former Thieves had arrived while he was having his qualms over… whatever the fuck just happened with the space-time continuum. Ryuji stared at him, expecting a reply. This was awkward.

"I must have gotten lost in thought," he forced his tone to be pleasant, despite the Thieves seeing his real self during their quest against Maruki. Old habits die hard, he reasoned. "Did everyone just arrive?"

"We only just got here, Senpai," Sumire answered from the booth, crammed between Akira and Futaba. She was surrounded by the other Thieves; somehow the eight of them had crammed into a singular booth. Morgana stretched his body across the table, barely missing Futaba's keyboard. Goro was the odd one out, as always.

"Well, now that everyone's here," Makoto said from between Akira and Ann, "Haru. Would you like to explain the good news?"

The fluffy-haired girl nodded. Her shoulders were drawn closer to herself to give space to Yusuke on her left and Futaba on her right. "I'd be happy to," she took a sweeping look over the teenagers and cat with a small smile. "Do you all remember that pending business deal I was working on last week?"

Yusuke cocked an eyebrow. "You briefly mentioned it in the group chat, yes."

Goro folded his arms across his chest and observed the former Thieves in silence. He wondered what their reactions would be to Haru's business move. Knowing them, probably something loud and over the top. ... Actually, that would probably just be Ryuji and Ann's reactions.

Haru clapped her hands together with a smile. "The deal was approved. I now own KFC."

Ryuji's eyes were as wide as saucers. "What the eff?"

"Isn't that an American fast food place?" Ann leaned forward, her hands on her knees. "You're expanding overseas?"

Goro frowned. His prediction was half right. His detective skills were getting rusty, huh. Deciding he should probably participate in the conversation, he said, "She wants help with her marketing strategy."

Haru's chocolate brown eyes flicked to him before returning to the table. "Goro beat me to the punch. But yes," she sighed, closing her eyes. "I was hoping we could brainstorm and figure out how to advertise the new KFC under my company."

Morgana stretched his back before padding over to stand in front of Haru. "What if we wrote a song? I have a pretty good voice, you know."

"Yeah, _no_ ," Ryuji rolled his eyes, earning a glare from Morgana. "You're a _cat_. There's no effin' way you're singing lead vocals."

"I'm not a cat-"

"I do wonder," Yusuke interrupted, a thoughtful look on his face, "how _would_ Mona's singing voice sound?"

Morgana's ears perked up. "Let me show you!" He moved across the table to face Ann with a smile. "Lady Ann, I dedicate this to you. Ahem!"

Futaba pushed her headphones over her ears just as Morgana shrieked, " _Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feeeeeeeeel you_ \- Hey!"

Akira picked Morgana up by the scruff, eyes hidden behind his glasses. "Mona, you're scaring the children."

At his side, Sumire wore a wobbly smile. "It wasn't _that_ bad, Morgana-senpai!" Despite her encouraging words, her voice was tentative.

"Put me down _ahhh!_ " Morgana yelped as he was dropped into the adjacent booth. Goro stifled a laugh at the cat's expense, and Morgana glared at him from the booth.

"Any other ideas?" Makoto asked, reining the group back in.

Ann jumped up in her seat, knocking shoulders with Makoto and Ryuji. "Ooh, what if we did a commercial? Like Shido's calling card!"

Goro raised an eyebrow in response. "So now the supposed _vigilantes of justice_ support KFC?"

Deflating instantly, Ann shrunk back into her seat. "Okay, maybe not my best idea."

"Hey," Ryuji pointed towards Yusuke, "what if you did promo art or somethin'?"

Futaba didn't even pause her typing to say, "Waifus eating KFC."

Yusuke looked past Haru to stare at the hacker. "Is _waifu_ a pun on wife?" He tilted his head slightly, as if in thought. "I must admit, I do not see the appeal in drawing wives eating fried chicken..."

Makoto rubbed her temples, presumably fighting off the beginnings of a headache. "I don't think we've made any progress. Sorry, Haru."

At the admission, Goro smirked. "I hate to say I told you so, but..."

"Dating sim."

Goro paused and turned towards Futaba. Her legs were pulled up to her chest in her usual sitting position, and her fingers were still perched over her keyboard. The other Thieves must have heard her too, considering all eyes were on her.

"We make a dating sim," she repeated, and Goro swallowed down the dread pooling in his stomach at her devilish grin. Whenever Futaba made suggestions with that grin on her face, it would only spell out trouble. "Inari can even draw for it."

"What exactly am I drawing for?"

"Oh!" Ann's eyes widened, recognition striking her features, "those are visual novels, right?"

Ryuji glanced between Ann and Futaba, confusion palpable. "Visual novels? Aren't _all_ novels visual?"

"Visual novels are different," Futaba huffed, furiously typing something. After a moment, she turned her laptop around and showed Ryuji something on the screen that Goro couldn't see. "See, there's usually different story routes you can take and most have the option to romance a certain character."

Makoto leaned over to get a look at the screen. "How exactly will this help advertise Okumura Foods buying KFC?"

"Well, _duh_ ," Futaba swiveled her laptop back to face her and typed away at something. "I code a dating sim, we put Colonel Sanders in there, and we have the player romance him."

Goro blinked multiple times, attempting to process that statement. His mind seemed to revolve around the constant thought of _what the fuck_ repeating incessantly. "How will that boost sales at all?"

"You underestimate how horny people can be," Futaba then turned to Yusuke. "Inari, you can make Colonel Sanders a total bara right?"

The artist hummed. "Well, it depends on what a _bara_ is. I may be unable to fulfill the request if I am unfamiliar with the concept."

Futaba rolled her eyes and continued typing. "Beefcake. Hunk. Look - here's an example."

Goro watched as the girl turned her laptop towards Yusuke, the blue-haired boy leaning forward to get a better look. "Hm. It will be a welcome challenge to attempt this art style."

Haru, sat between Futaba and Yusuke, spoke up. "Is everyone on board for this?"

Makoto opened her mouth in surprise. "Haru, you're actually serious about this?"

"I think it will be fun," the fluffy-haired girl answered chipperly, and Goro wondered what exactly her definition of _fun_ was, "it will certainly be a... _different_ approach to advertising. But, I will say, shock factor _is_ a good business tactic."

Sumire seemed uncertain when she spoke up. "This sounds exciting but... what can the rest of us do?"

"Yeah," Ryuji crossed his arms with a frown. "If Futaba is makin' the thing and Yusuke's drawing for it, what about the rest of us?"

"We voice act it."

Goro's head whipped towards Akira. The boy was so silent, he had forgotten Akira was even there. The surprise of the boy speaking up nearly made Goro overlook the meaning of his words.

"Ooh, I can help too then!" Morgana hopped back onto the table and Goro's eyes widened slightly. He had forgotten about that damn cat, too.

Ann turned towards Morgana with a sad look on her face. "Sorry, Mona, but I think the audience playing the game would only hear you meowing."

The cat hung his head. "How will I romance Lady Ann now?"

"In the real world, idiot," Goro rolled his eyes. This was ridiculous. "And before you all consider roping me into this - _no_."

Sumire pouted, fixing him with puppy dog eyes. "But Senpai, it'll be fun!"

Once again, Goro wondered what the Thieves considered _fun_. He narrowed his eyes, lips pulling into a scowl, but he kept his mouth shut. It was impossible to be mad at Sumire, especially when she was looking at him like that.

"So wait," Makoto interrupted, turning her gaze to Futaba. "We have Colonel Sanders... and then we all voice our own characters?"

Futaba nodded. "Usually you would name your character and choose someone to date, but considering the main goal is romancing Colonel Sanders, I'm thinking we all make OCs and the player can pick from those."

Ryuji raised an eyebrow. "What the eff's an _oh-see_?"

"Original character," she answered without missing a beat. "Usually it's a character you make up and project onto. Then you place them in different fictional worlds you like, make fanart of them, or put them in fanfics to meet your favorite characters. Stuff like that."

Yusuke nodded appraisingly. "Interesting. Drawing these OCs will be good practice for this distinct visual novel style."

Haru leaned forward, her hands still clasped together on her lap. "So everyone will make a character, Yusuke will draw them, and we'll record voice lines for them?"

Makoto sighed at the synopsis. "Well, if that's really what you want, I'm sure we can do that."

Futaba chuckled menacingly under her breath, "My OC's gonna have the fattest tits, they'll probably take up half the screen."

Goro pretended he didn't hear that. Sighing wistfully, he muttered, "Times like these make me wish one of my two deaths was actually permanent."

Sumire fixed him with a disapproving look. "Don't say that, Senpai - this will be fun!"

Morgana hopped onto the barstool next to Goro's, stretching his body out to lay flat on the seat. "It's not like you have anything better to do, detective."

The brunette grumbled, "Don't call me that."

"Dibs on Colonel Sanders," Akira announced, apropos of nothing.

And that was how the former Phantom Thieves began work on _I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin' Good Dating Simulator_.

Goro glared at Futaba, who was currently handing him his script and a microphone. Akira stood behind her, face blank as always. It had been two days since the Thieves meeting, and the three of them were currently in Leblanc's attic because where _else_ would they be. Goro was sat on the futon, arms crossed over his chest, and Futaba was sitting on the floor across from him with her laptop on the table.

"Come _on_ ," she pouted, not looking intimidating in the least bit. She nudged Goro with the small stack of papers, "it won't take that long."

"Why not do your lines first?" He deflected, narrowing his eyes at the script. Why the hell had he even agreed to do this? This was ridiculous and a waste of time.

Futaba dropped the papers in his lap. "Inspiration struck and we wrote yours up first," she explained offhandedly, and Akira nodded in the background. "Tsunderes are pretty easy to write, so if you want to blame anyone, you should blame yourself."

Akira shrugged, "Or you can blame █████ for writing you like that."

Goro gawked at him, not even bothering to hide his surprise. "How the fuck did you just say that out loud."

"Hm?" Akira blinked back at him, completely nonplussed. "Oh, that. I wouldn't question it. Just look at the script already."

"Yeah, what he said," Futaba said as she shoved the microphone between his folded arms and his chest. Scooting back to her laptop, she began typing something up. "I have my audio program set up already so hurry up!"

Seeing as the two teens were staring at him expectantly, he let out a heavy sigh. " _Fine_ ," he huffed, snatching the microphone from under his arm and placing it on his lap. Grabbing the script, he held it with both hands and stared at the cover which read, _I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin' Good Dating Simulator_ \- _AG Script_.

Tentatively, he turned the page. It looked just like a regular script, speakers and lines written as if this were a stage play. Similarly to his TV interviews, his lines were highlighted for easier visage. Thank god he wasn't reading ten pages worth of dialogue. As long as this wasn't _too_ embarrassing, it shouldn't be too bad.

He frowned at one of the first lines. "Weren't we making original characters for this?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at Futaba, whose face was hidden behind her laptop. "My character introduces himself as Goro."

"Everyone knows you as Akechi," she explained, making some vague swatting gesture with her hand. "And with the weird memory wipe everyone went through, it isn't like you're famous anymore."

"Why not call him Crow?" He glanced back down at the papers in his hand, highlighter yellow burning into his retinas, and turned back to the girl. "It would be less obvious."

Futaba groaned dramatically. "Oh no... pressing ctrl+F and replacing all instances of Goro with Crow... that's too much effort..." She lay her head onto her keyboard with another groan.

Goro sighed and looked back to the script. Whatever - it wasn't like anybody would play this anyway. He picked up the microphone. "Am I reading these lines in-" he raised the pitch of his voice, "my Detective Prince voice? Or," he lowered his voice to his usual conversational tone, "in my actual speaking register?"

"Option two sounds hotter," Akira said.

"I think the Detective Prince tone would give you away," Futaba said, and Goro wanted to ask, _and using the name Goro wouldn't?_ "Plus, people like broody anime boys with angst turned up to max."

Well, at least he didn't need to fake his line delivery. Just _thinking_ about speaking in his Detective Prince register and plastering a smile on his face made him want to vomit. He folded the script over and held it in his right hand; he brought the microphone in his left closer to his mouth. "Let's get this over with."

And so - the next twenty minutes went relatively smooth. Many of Goro's lines were just being unapproachable, avoiding other characters, and a variety of huffs and sighs. Every now and then, there would be a questionable line that made him look up and glare at Futaba, but besides that - it was decent. Honestly, Goro would venture to say this wasn't as miserable as he was dreading it to be - but he would vehemently deny enjoying it.

When Goro turned to the last page, he stared at the highlighted text. Read it, re-read it, read the lines around it. Despite narrowing his eyes and willing the words to change, they stayed the same and mockingly stared back at him.

"What's up?" Futaba asked, peeking out from her screen. Goro had been rapid-firing lines with hardly any mistakes, a talent reminiscent from his celebrity days, and he had been silent for a long stretch of time.

His fingers tightened around the script, crinkling the edges of the paper. He could feel his eye twitching. Finding his voice, he quietly asked, "Do you expect me to read this?"

"Yeah, actually," she plopped back down, and only the top of her head poked out from behind her laptop. "That's one of your last lines. Just say it and then we're done."

Goro had long gotten past the absurdity of this... _dating simulator_ during his recording session. Somehow the Thieves believed creating a game where the player can date the mascot for KFC would increase profits and help advertise the new deal with Okumura Foods. This was especially meant to pander to western audiences, a large population that wouldn't know Goro if they fell over him. No one would know it was him - or better yet, no one would play this godforsaken game in the first place - so _why_. Why the hell was this particular line so difficult to say?

Futaba typed something up. "Maybe seeing the in game screenshot will help get you into the mood..." She pressed some buttons, clicked something, and spun her laptop around so Goro could see the screen.

Goro stared at the screen. What the fuck. What the fuck? His eyes flicked between the drawing of him - which was illustrated quite well, actually, amazing work as always, Yusuke - to the drawing of Colonel Sanders. The Goro sprite was blushing - _blushing!_ \- and the dialogue below it read, _I-It's not like I like you or anything, baka._ Colonel Sanders was blowing a kiss at his character and Goro's inner thoughts devolved into an endless cycle of _what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck_.

After a long moment, Akira said, "I think Goro.exe has stopped working."

Futaba turned her laptop around with a sigh. "Sketchy Akechi has finally reached his death-y."

Goro shut his eyes and shook his head. Unfortunately, even with his eyes closed, that image was permanently etched in his brain. The worst part of this was - the first person Goro would supposedly _confess his love to_... would be Colonel Sanders. This somehow contended as one of the worst moments of Goro's life, only rivalled by his birth, his mother's death, his introduction to Shido and his extensive collection of gravy boats, the entirety of the engine room, and the fact that he was still alive right now. What a sad fucking existence.

"There's no way in hell I'm reading this," he hissed out, dropping the script into his lap. He flicked the power switch off for the microphone and pressed it gently against the paper, belying his internal rage. "Find someone else to do it."

Futaba tugged at her hair in frustration. "We're, like, 98% done. Just suck it up and pucker up!"

"If it helps," Akira began helpfully, because he always had to be _helpful_ , "I can read my part so it'll be more like a conversation. Futaba can edit it out later."

Goro clenched his hands into fists on his lap, bunching up the fabric of his pants. Reading these lines... _confessing his love_... directly to Akira? This was humiliating - and the fact that Goro was playing a character based on himself and Akira was playing fucking _Colonel Sanders_ made it even more laughable.

Taking in a breath, he composed himself. "Fine, whatever," he huffed and turned back to the final page in the script, "let's just get this over with."

Akira walked over with his phone and took a picture of the script. Goro scanned over the page and, realizing he was speaking first, turned the microphone back on. Flicking his gaze to Futaba, the girl gave him a thumbs up from behind her laptop. Well, here goes nothing.

"Colonel!" He gasped, feigning surprise, "what are you doing in my kitchen?"

Akira spoke in a deeper voice than usual, something akin to Joker's baritone. "I'm here to cook us dinner," he smiled down at his screen before looking up at Goro from beneath his eyelashes, " _Goro_."

Goro suppressed a shiver and memorized his line, allowing him to meet Akira's eyes defiantly. "Oh, Colonel," he spoke with barely-veiled contempt, venom dripping from his words, and decided to add on, "I do quite well by myself. I am in no need of help."

Goro was quite obviously adlibbing, but Akira seemed to take it in stride when he purred, "I want to spoil you, honey. Allow me that, at least?"

Akira would make a good theater major, Goro mused; he wasn't thrown off at all by this change in script. Goro channeled his anger by focusing on his feelings from that lengthy January, the endless winter spent breaking out of Maruki's false reality and freeing himself from his strings. Shido was in prison, Yaldabaoth was obliterated, and Maruki's claim on reality was revoked - Goro was _free_ , and he didn't need Akira's help. Not now, not _ever_.

Narrowing his eyes, he growled, "Spare me the brainless sentimentality, _Colonel_."

"Let me cook for you, Goro," Akira's gunmetal gaze stayed on Goro, determination burning in the gray. "You deserve more than a meal from me, after everything we've been through together."

"And you deserved better from me than a bullet in the brain," he seethed. "How will fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and gravy rectify something of that severity?"

Goro bit his tongue and cursed himself. He hadn't meant for that to slip out - he had allowed his anger to consume him, gotten too into the moment. But his words were already out there, unable to be taken back.

Akira's eyes softened, but the fierce determination stayed. His lips pulled into a smirk when he seductively murmured, "Let me show you."

Goro's head whipped up in surprise, and-

 _CLICK_.

"Stop it, stop it!" Futaba waved her hands in the air, face bright red. "This is so off script, I don't even know where to begin!"

Goro scowled at Akira and averted his eyes, glaring at the boy's shelves full of random knick knacks. Rather than explain his earlier words, he decided to simmer in his anger. He was half-tempted to delete the recording from Futaba's computer, but there was a high chance she set up a counter-measure to that. Honestly, she likely expected him to do something like that, knowing his impulsivity and supposed _anger issues_.

From this angle, Goro couldn't see Akira's expression. However, he could quite easily hear the smile in Akira's voice when he said, "That's way better than the tropey lines from the script. I swear you just copy and pasted it from one of your _doujins_."

"People _like_ cliché stuff," Futaba's pout was evident in her tone. "What a bunch of normies."

Finally, Goro turned his head to see Akira and Futaba. Akira was currently pocketing his phone and, considering that they were done with the script (not like they were using it anyway), there was no use for it now. Futaba was slumped over her laptop, hair splayed around her. What a sorry bunch, the three of them were.

Goro took a breath to recompose himself. He was the oldest one here and obviously the most mature, might as well take control. After all, slipping into control was second nature for Goro; it was why working with the Thieves was so unbearable. Being expected to fall in line and listen to Joker's commands without hesitation... it made Goro's skin crawl. He had clawed his way through hell to win back his autonomy. Throwing it away - especially to take orders from Joker and play nice with the other Thieves - _ugh_.

He brandished the microphone to Futaba. "We're done here," he said tersely. Swallowing down his pride, he averted his gaze and said quieter, "Besides, that should be more than a fitting end for my route."

As if she were a jack-in-the-box, Futaba's spine straightened out and she snatched the microphone from him. "You absolute tsun tsun!" She grinned devilishly, and Goro could swear her red eyes glinted with a demonic light. "Yeah, this should be good enough. Thanks for doing this - I'm sure Haru appreciates it a lot."

Huh. Haru appreciating him recording questionable voice lines for an even more questionable product meant to help advertise her new business deal. Haru, including her father's killer... in her business' internationally-distributed dating simulator. It was an odd notion to think about. To add to his cognitive dissonance, Futaba was thanking him. _Him_ \- her mother's killer!

Realistically, Goro knew there was no way to make it up to them. It wasn't like he could revive their dead parents. So maybe, putting himself on the road for atonement... and assisting in questionable projects such as a KFC dating simulator... maybe, that was the best way to make it up to Haru and Futaba.

Drawing upon old defense mechanisms, he forced his face to remain neutral. "Sure," he said, "glad to help."

Without waiting for a reply, he strode towards the stairs. He took the steps two at a time, made his way past the bar, reached his hand out towards the door-

"Hey," Akira said, and Goro stopped in his tracks. "I know that wasn't your greatest experience but Futaba's right. Haru'll be really appreciative you helped out."

Goro stared at the door, back turned to Akira. Even through the reflection, Goro couldn't parse Akira's expression, as it was hidden by Goro's own silhouette. And, knowing Akira, it was unlikely his face would give Goro any hints towards his emotions.

"I'm sure she will," he said neutrally, betraying the storm growing in his chest. "Hopefully this idiotic project won't be for naught."

Akira's voice was low, almost like the damming quiet before a crescendo. "There's no way this'll flop, considering the talent of everyone involved. Besides," his voice bubbled with mirth, "the Americans will rave over a heartthrob such as yourself."

Goro scoffed before he could stop himself. "I didn't know you were capable of projecting yourself onto an entire nation's population, Joker."

"I _am_ quite the Joker," his smirk was evident in his tone, and Goro was half-tempted to spin around and ~~kiss~~ smack it off the boy's face. "It's in the name you certainly love to address me by."

"Spare me," he groaned with a roll of his eyes; it wasn't like Akira could see the gesture, but Goro was certain it was obvious in his delivery. "Like I'd respect someone who takes the role of Colonel Sanders seriously."

"You're just jealous of my improv skills."

No, Goro was _not_ jealous over something so ridiculously trivial as Akira's _improvisation skills_. Goro wasn't feeling particularly indulgent after that recording session, so he decided to swallow down whatever argumentative bullshit he was about to spew. It was a waste of his breath, regardless of context.

"That's incorrect," he took a breath, balled his hands into fists, and exhaled, "but I have somewhere to be. Good _bye_ , Akira."

Suddenly, his arm was being tugged back. Goro whipped his head around and narrowed his eyes. "What?" He hissed.

Akira stared back at him with a look of determination. "I wasn't bluffing about cooking you dinner."

Goro held his gaze, lips pulling into a deep frown. Truthfully, he had nowhere to be. However, he had the unrelenting feeling staying at Leblanc would lead to either ruin or glory, and he sure as hell had no intention of finding out which. Nevertheless, he failed to pull his arm back, allowing the warmth of Akira's hand to seep into his wrist.

Containing the storm raging in his heart, Goro softened his gaze and schooled his face into something more neutral. "The type of brainless sentimentality I'd expect from you," he allowed his lips to curl into a smirk, " _Colonel_."

Without warning, Akira used his other hand to grab Goro's chin. Goro felt his face heating up, heartbeat thumping in his ears, and Akira smirked in response. Akira leaned in, leaving mere inches between their faces, and purred, "How does fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and gravy sound?"

Goro pushed down his inhibitions and seized the moment, closing the distance between them. Seeing the surprise etched on Akira's face, Goro decided to mark this as _glory_.

"Finger lickin' good."

**Author's Note:**

>  _snake voice_ colonel, mission accomplished
> 
> This first time I whip out Ren'Py in months and it's to make a Phantom Thieves KFC dating sim. For making it this far, here's [The Forbidden Goro x Colonel Sanders S Support](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22Y5aIQlnxM).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, and I hope you stick around for my day seven fic! Gravymen.


End file.
